So, my dear friends, long time... no update! As you can probably gather, I am now in the mummy club! My beautiful daughter, Emby Jo Hacker, was born at 1.37am on Saturday 5th April 2014.
It has taken me over 7 weeks to be able to compile this update for a number of reasons. Firstly a mother to a newborn literally does not even have time to pee alone, let alone post a thrilling blog update. Secondly, it has actually taken me quite a while to get my head around everything that happened during my labour and delivery and be able to write this update.
This post is not for the fainthearted. I have always been completely honest about my journey and all the procedures I endured, and therefore need to do my blog justice by being completely honest about my labour.
My last blog update was at 38 weeks pregnant so I will pick up where that left off. On the Monday following my update I was 38w3d pregnant and went back to the assessment unit at the hospital for monitoring, during this appointment my consultant confirmed everything was still looking ok and Emby was still measuring big, she therefore decided to book my induction date for my due date to ensure I wouldn't be allowed to go overdue.
I continued to rest for the next few days, by the Thursday (3rd April - 38w6d) I felt really tired and just chilled on the sofa watching TV for most of the day. I wasn't in any pain or discomfort, but at 16.45pm I had some cramping and strange pain. My husband came home from work shortly after this, by which point I then had the pains again. I started to think this might be it, but wasn't sure as the pain wasn't very intense. I called my sister, Jo, who was to be my second birth partner, and decided to have a bath to see if anything else happened. I had around 10 periods of this "pain" before deciding to go to bed and get some sleep as there didn't seem to be anything regular happening, this was around 10.30pm. By midnight the pains were now waking me up, but because I was in bed and not really awake and alert, I decided to get up and go downstairs to sit on my birth ball and time them. By 2.15am it was quite apparent I was in fact in labour so I called the labour ward to advise them, I then woke my husband and telephoned Jo for her to come over.
After a few hours of contractions they were coming every 5/6 minutes and lasting around 40-50 seconds so I decided to go in to the hospital to get checked before 6am. On arrival at the labour ward I was 2-3 cm dilated and they monitored Emby's heartbeat and my contractions for about half an hour. As I wasn't far enough along I was advised to return home until the contractions were closer together or stronger, or I couldn't cope with the pain anymore.
I returned home and continued to contract while sitting on my birth ball, but they were so strong so we returned to the hospital around 10am. At this point I saw a different midwife, who told me I was in fact only 1-2cm dilated and not the 2-3cm I had been told earlier, which was very deflating. She offered to perform a stretch and sweep to speed things along. I agreed to this, not realising at the time that it would be the most painful part of my entire labour! After the sweep was performed I was sent home again around 12.30pm.
The most astonishing thing I found about the contractions was, although they hurt like hell while happening, the second they were over the pain completely disappeared and I could carry on a conversation straight away.
I managed to last until about 4pm before having to go back to the hospital again. The contractions were coming faster but were now so strong they were making me cry - not helped by the fact I had now been contracting for almost 24 hours and was exhausted. Luckily this time I was found to be 4-5cm and could therefore be admitted to delivery ward.
The first thing I asked for once in my delivery room was an epidural! This was the only thing from my birth plan I was sure about, I had been open minded about everything else (other than not wanting drugs that made me drowsy or sick). The midwife advised me to stay active as long as possible to enable gravity to help, and suggested we go to the cafeteria for something to eat as I needed to keep my energy up. We tried to do this, Jo and Rick queued for some food while I sat at a table, but I had two really painful contractions while sat there and wanted to go back to the room. I would have loved to see footage of me contracting in the cafeteria because I didn't want anyone to see and was trying to keep a straight face.
My epidural was ordered, but it took hours for this to be performed. At the time it didn't seem very long, in fact the whole labour just seemed so super fast even though it was hours. I think we had gone back to the room about 6.30pm but the epidural wasn't done until at least three hours later. In the meantime I had to dress in a very fetching hospital gown and sexy green surgical stockings! I was also encouraged to try the gas and air - which I had been very reluctant to do as I didn't want to be not aware of what was going on. The first couple of tries I hated it, but by the end of the evening it had to be pried out of my hand (new best friend!).
I am hazy on the exact timing but my waters were broken around the time of my epidural - although I can't remember which was done first. I was so proud of myself that I was able to sit so still for the epidural, but I did use the gas and air the whole time - that stuff is amazing! Unfortunately the epidural did not work for me, I was numb across my belly and down my legs but it did not touch the pain - I later found out this was because the position of the baby was face up and it meant back labour was much more painful.
After my waters had been broken (when I was around 6cm) Rick happened to bump into our consultant in the corridor and she came in to check how I was doing. She examined me but I was not 6cm, whether this was from another case of mis-measurement or because my cervix had shrunk back after my waters had broken I am not sure, but she wasn't happy with the progress I was making. After discussing it with my midwife, she decided she wanted me checked again at 11.30pm and if I hadn't progressed further she wanted to perform a C-Section. At 11.30pm I was checked and had not progressed so I consented to the C-Section and was prepped ready to go to theatre around 1am (Saturday morning).
I was nervous of the C-Section but not unhappy about the decision - as I had always said from day one that I just wanted Emby here safely. The saddest part of the C-Section was that my sister could not see Emby be born, particularly as she had been my rock and by my side since 3am the day before (Friday morning).
By the time I was taken to theatre and prepped for surgery the contractions were literally on top of each other with barely 20 seconds in between. In the meantime, Rick and Jo took the opportunity to have a fun photoshoot with Rick posing in his scrubs pretending to be a doctor! Wish I could have seen that!
I was given lots of drugs into my hand and remember I kept telling them I felt really sick, they eventually gave me anti-sickness drugs. Once they started I could just feel lots of pressure and like my tummy was being pulled about a lot. It didn't take very long and then I could feel her pulled out of me. I literally said to Rick "ooohhhh" when I felt that pressure release and then immediately started throwing up into the conveniently placed cardboard bowl..... not my finest moment! I wasn't even able to look at Emby as I was so violently sick and I heard a lot of murmurs from the doctors about losing so much blood and they couldn't find the bleed, they were also struggling to sew me up because the sickness was making me move too much. Rick went to stand with Emby and check she was ok, they eventually went back to the room while I stayed to be sewn up. I can't even imagine how scary it must have been for Rick to see me like that, and hear the doctors struggling to do what they needed to do. Apparently he paced around until they brought me back.
They eventually stopped the sickness and managed to get me sewn up and took me back to the room.
I could then finally meet my daughter. After over three and a half years of trying to become a mother, nothing could have prepared me for that moment. All I could think was how tiny she was (so much for that BIG baby the doctors kept telling me I was having - she only weighed 8lb) and she was so beautiful. I immediately saw how much she looked like her daddy and I instantly fell in love with her.
The trauma that was my delivery unfortunately did not end there, I had increased temperature and had to be put on antibiotics following her birth for infection. I also had to have a 2 bag blood transfusion the following day. Emby also had a raised temperature so she had to have a cannula put into her hand for IV antibiotics, which meant we could not be discharged until the Wednesday. She also had to have a lumber puncture when she was only 2 days old to check she didn't have a serious infection, which luckily was ok, but very distressing to have to go through.
I hadn't envisioned how hard it would be to move about after the C-Section. I remember telling the midwife I wanted to get out of bed and have a shower, and they wouldn't take my catheter out until it had been 12 hours. I remember being annoyed because I could move my legs and didn't understand why I had to wait. When they eventually allowed me out of bed I understood.... it wasn't because I needed to feel my legs... it was because I no longer had stomach muscles and getting out of bed was ridiculously hard! It did take a good week before I could get in and out of bed easily, but once out of bed I was actually very active - I even made stew my first full day home!
While I had always been flexible about my birth plan, and just wanted her here safely, I hadn't imagined the scale of what could go wrong and how scary it could get. That being said, I absolutely loved being in labour and even though the contractions were really painful I would absolutely do that part over again - the C-Section, not so much!
Although I initially felt ok about the birth, because I was so ecstatic to finally be a mummy, after a couple of days I did have some bad feelings creep in because I hadn't been able to progress far enough to push her out myself. That was also coupled with regret that I hadn't been able to breastfeed her properly (other than briefly the first day) because I wasn't producing anything at all. The midwives told me that it was common for this to happen because I had the C-Section combined with an infection and a blood transfusion, which made me feel less guilty. I didn't get any milk until six days later so I then felt happy about my decision to move to formula feeding as she would have been starving, plus she gained weight really well on formula.
I absolutely love being a mother, even at the hardest, most sleep deprived moments it is still the best thing I ever did. I feel so blessed to finally have achieved my dream and hope that all my TTC sisters get to experience this soon, because I can honestly say it was worth every single injection, procedure and drug I had to endure to make it happen.
I will post again detailing my first few weeks of motherhood soon - mainly because it has taken me most of the day to write the above novel in between feeding and entertaining Emby!
Thank you to all my followers for supporting me every step of the way - I couldn't have done it without you!
love Shelly xx
